Time: Yesterday 17.00
Place: An Irish pub taken over by a football version of the Barmy Army
Event: World Cup quarter-final, England versus Portugal
Match report: 120 minutes of boring football with no goals. The English wunderkind is sent off for stamping on a prostrate Portuguese groin. England loses on penalties as usual.
Notes: The fans in the stadium sing the national anthem – the British one. The fans in the pub sing Three Lions, Football’s Coming Home, “You’re Shit and You Know You Are” and many variations thereof set to the tune of Go West. Most Portuguese fouls are greeted by cries of “Red card!”, “Get ‘im off!”, and “Fuckin’ Portuguese tosser!”; most English ones by “No way!” and rhythmic chants of “The referee’s a wanker!”. On Portugal’s winning penalty, someone drops a pint of beer.

Time: Yesterday 21.00
Place: An ordinary Parisian café
Event: World Cup quarter-final, France versus Brazil
Match report: 90 minutes of high-octane, high-skill, stylish football. Thierry Henry scores the winner, grins and barely breaks sweat.
Notes: No one sings in the café but there is a lot of screaming and clapping and exhortations of “Allez!”. A blatant penalty-area foul by Brazil is missed by the referee, which elicits a few grumbles. Every free-kick and corner won is greeted by mad applause and chants of “Zi-zou!” and “Ri-bé-ry!”. The very best Brazilian points are politely applauded too. On the final whistle, everyone orders a 25cl glass of Kronenbourg. Except for those drinking orange juice.

Q. Which of the above deserves to win the World Cup?